BB’s Personality Quiz :: What does your house say about you?

Photograph of Irish soldier in field holding the leash of a goat, apparently.

Goat ranching in the fifth dimension is where it’s at! (Credit: National Library of Ireland)

We here at Bluebird Blvd. are always looking for ways in which we can improve our lives. We improve our lives by writing personality quizzes. Like this one, for instance!

A real estate agent would call your house:

    a) A demi Tudor A-frame half-caf with a detached air conditioner

    b) That’s a house?!? I thought that was a cat tree. Never mind. Tell me the amenities, and I’ll fix it up in the listing.

    c) Imaginary. And if you try to sell it, you’d better hope the buyer is imaginary too.

    d) Big. Reallyreallyreally big. Like, it has its own time zone, y’all.

The first thing visitors notice when they enter your foyer is:

    a) that you have no foyer. This is an entryway.

    b) What the hey-ho is a foy-yay?

    c) the great big gaping pit with a pendulum swinging over it. Bwah-hah-harrrr… *Cough*

    d) This foyer is where George Washington got sick after eating some bad oysters on a bet. See the plaque? That’s where he rested his clammy forehead.

Your ideal living space has:

    a) me. Living in it. Yup. That’s it.

    b) walls that go all the way up to the ceiling. And a ceiling. A full one that goes all the way to the walls!

    c) a raft of inflatable couches filled with helium. Take a helmet! We’re gonna play airship.

    d) Living space? That gives me an idea. I would like to buy a little area in the fifth dimension. For goat ranching.

What is the finest feature of your bedroom?

    a) That charming little room? It’s called a closet. I keep my clothes in there. Tee-hee!

    b) A bed… room? Just for the bed? Explain please.

    c) I have pajamas made of magnets for sleeping on my Foosball table. Best sleep I’ve ever had!

    d) Sleep? Who has time to sleep? I’m goat ranching in the fifth dimension!

The one improvement you would make on your home is:

    a) Oh, everybody says that we really need a new carportzzzzzzzzzzz. Whar? What was the question again?

    b) Well, the outhouse is a one-seater. I’m aiming to make it a two-seater. Scorpion season is fierce ’round here.

    c) If I buy one more fiberglass pink gorilla for the front yard, the neighborhood association is threatening some sort of inquisition? No worries. I own three muskets!

    d) I want a pool on the ceiling. My team of physicists is sorting out the details. You know how it goes. Blah, blah, blah, gravity! Just fix it, I say!


Give yourself one point for each A answer, two points for each B answer, three points for each C answer, and four points for each D answer. Then divide that number by the square root of thirtyleven. Write it on a scrap of paper and pray fervently to the linoleum gods. Throw that scrap of paper into a bowler hat, pull it out, and read it upside down. Please compare your upside down number to the answer key below.

    IF YOU HAD MOSTLY A’s— You live in a house, which is fantastic. However, you have very little imagination and you cannot buy this product at Ikea. They don’t stock it anymore. How to fix this: Do something goofy and spontaneous. Not a knife fight, though. Never a knife fight. Ouchie.

    IF YOU HAD MOSTLY B’s— We are probably related. I’ll be over later to help you build the two-seater outhouse of your dreams. You’re gonna have to loan me a pair of boots. It’s almost scorpion season.

    IF YOU HAD MOSTLY C’s— Your house is mostly imaginary and you drink too much caffeine. Drink less caffeine. Should you buy another pink fiberglass gorilla, invite me over. I want to watch the neighborhood association plotz. Again, we are probably related. I have my own helmet for those inflatable couch airfights.

    IF YOU HAD MOSTLY D’s— Then you shot J.R. It’s also 1988. Nobody goat ranches in the fifth dimension anymore. It’s all about koala wrangling in the second dimension these days. That’s where the money is, m’boy!