At Bluebird Blvd., we take certain things seriously, but housekeeping is not one of those things! No sirree-bobcat tail! Regardless of our ignorance, we feel perfectly qualified to tell you all about cleaning your house during the three months of spring. Didja catch the part where we said we don’t know diddly jack about housekeeping? Keep that in mind as you answer these questions, will ya?
A housekeeping expert would call your home:
a) Perfect. We don’t breathe or touch anything while we are inside the house. And we vacuum our ceilings twice a day just like my daddy taught me.
b) Clean enough. Everything you can see is clean. But for cripes sake, don’t open that closet door! Don’t even look cross-eyed at the cabinets! Nope, don’t go in that room! Or that one! And don’t EVER look under the sofa, okay?
c) I don’t know? Lemme ask you a question— Why do people wash bath towels? I mean, don’t they stay clean?
d) A wonderland of unclassifiable smells.
What makes your cleaning style unique?
a) My special origami laundry folding technique. All my t-shirts are in the shape of cranes! It’s a family specialty!
b) I like to SHOUT WHILE I SCRUB THE SHOWER BECAUSE IT HELPS ME DEAL WITH STRESS. ALSO WHILE I DO DISHES. AND MOP FLOORS. AND WEED THE YARD. I HAVE A LOT OF STRESS!
c) Wait a sec. I can’t stop laughing! Unique? It’s unique when I clean at all!
d) I cannot hear you through my HAZMAT suit. Sorry!
In one sentence, describe the best way to tackle Spring Cleaning.
a) Take off a month from work and make a twenty-page checklist. Then you rent all your heavy equipment. That’s how five generations of my family have tackled Spring Cleaning. Tradition is good!
b) On the first day of April, check underneath your sofa to see what’s collected there in the last twelve months. It’s like a piñata filled with dirty pocket change and dust bunnies! Whee!
c) Well. . . honestly? I try to get the crying out of the way first. That takes about two days, tops.
d) Hibernate until June.
What’s the one Spring Cleaning task you’d like to delegate to an expert?
a) Mr. Clean is my witness: No cleaning “expert” will ever cross the threshold of my house! I’m the expert around here! Tradition!
b) I want to delegate everything to the expert from all the “a” answers in this quiz. Damn, that person sounds efficient! I want a self-cleaning kitchen. And I want Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons to come live with me, and clean house while cracking wise, sitcom style!
c) Here are all the keys to my place, cleaning expert. I’m going to stay in a Motel 6 in Barbados until you call me, okay? Bye-byeeeeee!
d) (Humming to self.) I’m moving to a yurt in March! I like potato salad!
In a few words, tell me what you do when you’re not cleaning:
a) Thinking. About cleaning. Will you excuse me? I need to vacuum my ceiling again.
b) Two words: I work. There’s your answer. I need a 72-hour nap from my workweek.
c) “Hello! You have reached my cell phone. I am in Barbados while a team of nationwide experts cleans my house. Did you know that you have to wash bath towels? Crazy! Leave a message after the—. . . .”
d) I collect asphalt!
HOW TO TALLY YOUR ANSWERS
Put on a fez. Now take it off. Do a hoochie-coochie dance. Now stop. Wow, you’re really following the directions here, aren’t you? No fooling now. Count up your letters and whichever letter you chose most is your answer. The key is below.
YOU ARE AN A-TYPE SPRING CLEANER: Martha Stewart wants to bring you on her show to talk about your sixteen methods for cleaning grout. You’re the only person we know who can wear an all-white outfit to an outdoor barbecue and come back home looking cleaner than when you left, if that’s possible. You are a natural dirt-deterrent and an excellent launderer. In fact, we’re a little embarrassed that you stopped cleaning to take this quiz.
YOU ARE A B-TYPE SPRING CLEANER: As the Average Joe/Jolene of the cleaning world, we know that cleaning makes you moody, and not cleaning makes you feel guilty. You are a cleaning product advertiser’s dream: a picture of scrubbing bubbles will send you hurtling to the store to get the latest hyper-toxic all-surface spray that claims to cut your housekeeping in half. Listen, do us all a favor and vacuum underneath your couch every once in awhile. We know that on April 1st of last year you found over a thousand dollars in change under your sofa cushions. Clean your sofa more often. We also think you need to get trousers with better pockets!
YOU’RE A C-TYPE SPRING CLEANER: We worry about you a little bit. How could you not know to wash your own bath towels regularly? When was the last time you cleaned your stove top? Do you know you have to dust your light fixtures periodically? Get a housecleaning book and read it cover to cover. Think of it as a detective novel and you need soap to find all of the clues. Give us a call when (or if!) you get back from Barbados!
YOU’RE A D-TYPE SPRING CLEANER: Good luck with your teepee move. We also like potato salad, but we try not to eat it in bed. This thing over here is called a “broom.” It moves dirt from one spot to another. This is called a “dustpan.” It picks up the dirt you moved, and you throw it into a “garbage can” outside where the city can pick it up. Here you go! You’ll get the hang of it… we think!
a) swiveled through the door doffing a cowboy hat owned by Bela Lugosi’s cousin’s housekeeper. You were a boffo smash!
b) strolled through the door of the party—started to feel light-headed—and kept going straight out of the back door where you flung yourself over the hedge. You’ll come back for your car tomorrow.
c) walked through the door, threw your arms wide, and said, “DARLING!” to the hostess, but it turned out you were in the wrong house. You really frightened that lady.
d) danced through the door and yelped at the sight of the clown blowing up balloon animals. You are terrified of balloon animals.
Your idea of a great night out is:
a) a whirlwind evening at Ciro’s! You want to drink fizzy beverages out of an expensive shoe, by golly!
b) two bowls of your favorite takeaway Vietnamese pho (soup). Extra fish sauce. Keep it coming! Don’t you look at me crossways, buddy!
c) that one time when you went to that party. Not the part where you frightened the lady who lived next door, the part after that, where you ate cake. Caaaaake!
d) Out? At night? Are you wild, man? There are balloon animals floating around out there!
Your ideal party would include:
a) Walter Winchell! Everyone talking fast like a 1940s movie star! Boffo! Gonzo! Kid! Dame!
b) a self-serve pho bar with a fish sauce fountain and an accordion band. Phun with pho!
c) clearly marked directions. Maybe a sign on the front door. People need to be able to find the right house the first time without any trouble with police or whatever involving a stolen cake.
d) a rally to ban balloon-based life forms. Trifle for dessert with extra cream. During the day. We’re not Visigoths around here.
What is the one rule you follow when planning a gathering?
a) What Would Walter Winchell Do?
b) One liter of pho per person is the most accurate ratio.
c) I base all of my socializing on Google Maps, so . . . .
d) It’s best to start with canapés and crudités. It gets people talking. About banning balloon animals.
HOW TO TALLY YOUR RESULTS:
Give yourself -3 points for each A answer, -2 points for each B answer, -1 points for each C answer, and a scrap of used tinfoil for each D answer. Add that number to eleventy-teen. Think about cocktail napkins with clever sayings on them for two minutes. Please compare your pleasant thoughts to the answer key below.
IF YOU HAD MOSTLY A’s— You are a 1940s movie star, or you aspire to being a 1940s movie star. Or you read a lot of old Walter Winchell columns. In this century, we do not drink beverages out of shoes. We drink out of nice, clean drinking glasses. It’s a novel idea, I know.
IF YOU HAD MOSTLY B’s— You are sitting in a pho restaurant in the corner booth. A man approaches you and says that he can help you cross the border and see your children again if you help plant an idea in a person’s head through their dreams, but actually you may be dreaming, so you make plans to go to Mumbai to eat more pho. You’ve also watched Inception one too many times.
IF YOU HAD MOSTLY C’s— You can team up with the balloon animal person— who seems to have a grasp on simple street directions. Most people like food at parties. Try thinking about that for awhile. Use your experience with eating cake that one time as a springboard for fresh ideas. Like donuts for instance. Look, let me give you directions to the nearest bakery.
IF YOU HAD MOSTLY D’s— The next meeting for the banning of balloon animals and all other balloon-representative life forms will be held at Frank’s house. Bring the trifle. I’m going to do a big plate of canapés— I just learned a new thing involving fish sauce and puff pastry. Everyone else is bringing either a main or a side dish. I may bring a friend who has problems with directions. That’s cool with you, right?
We here at Bluebird Blvd. are always looking for ways in which we can improve our lives. We improve our lives by writing personality quizzes. Like this one, for instance!
A real estate agent would call your house:
a) A demi Tudor A-frame half-caf with a detached air conditioner
b) That’s a house?!? I thought that was a cat tree. Never mind. Tell me the amenities, and I’ll fix it up in the listing.
c) Imaginary. And if you try to sell it, you’d better hope the buyer is imaginary too.
d) Big. Reallyreallyreally big. Like, it has its own time zone, y’all.
The first thing visitors notice when they enter your foyer is:
a) that you have no foyer. This is an entryway.
b) What the hey-ho is a foy-yay?
c) the great big gaping pit with a pendulum swinging over it. Bwah-hah-harrrr… *Cough*
d) This foyer is where George Washington got sick after eating some bad oysters on a bet. See the plaque? That’s where he rested his clammy forehead.
Your ideal living space has:
a) me. Living in it. Yup. That’s it.
b) walls that go all the way up to the ceiling. And a ceiling. A full one that goes all the way to the walls!
c) a raft of inflatable couches filled with helium. Take a helmet! We’re gonna play airship.
d) Living space? That gives me an idea. I would like to buy a little area in the fifth dimension. For goat ranching.
What is the finest feature of your bedroom?
a) That charming little room? It’s called a closet. I keep my clothes in there. Tee-hee!
b) A bed… room? Just for the bed? Explain please.
c) I have pajamas made of magnets for sleeping on my Foosball table. Best sleep I’ve ever had!
d) Sleep? Who has time to sleep? I’m goat ranching in the fifth dimension!
The one improvement you would make on your home is:
a) Oh, everybody says that we really need a new carportzzzzzzzzzzz. Whar? What was the question again?
b) Well, the outhouse is a one-seater. I’m aiming to make it a two-seater. Scorpion season is fierce ’round here.
c) If I buy one more fiberglass pink gorilla for the front yard, the neighborhood association is threatening some sort of inquisition? No worries. I own three muskets!
d) I want a pool on the ceiling. My team of physicists is sorting out the details. You know how it goes. Blah, blah, blah, gravity! Just fix it, I say!
HOW TO TALLY YOUR RESULTS:
Give yourself one point for each A answer, two points for each B answer, three points for each C answer, and four points for each D answer. Then divide that number by the square root of thirtyleven. Write it on a scrap of paper and pray fervently to the linoleum gods. Throw that scrap of paper into a bowler hat, pull it out, and read it upside down. Please compare your upside down number to the answer key below.
IF YOU HAD MOSTLY A’s— You live in a house, which is fantastic. However, you have very little imagination and you cannot buy this product at Ikea. They don’t stock it anymore. How to fix this: Do something goofy and spontaneous. Not a knife fight, though. Never a knife fight. Ouchie.
IF YOU HAD MOSTLY B’s— We are probably related. I’ll be over later to help you build the two-seater outhouse of your dreams. You’re gonna have to loan me a pair of boots. It’s almost scorpion season.
IF YOU HAD MOSTLY C’s— Your house is mostly imaginary and you drink too much caffeine. Drink less caffeine. Should you buy another pink fiberglass gorilla, invite me over. I want to watch the neighborhood association plotz. Again, we are probably related. I have my own helmet for those inflatable couch airfights.
IF YOU HAD MOSTLY D’s— Then you shot J.R. It’s also 1988. Nobody goat ranches in the fifth dimension anymore. It’s all about koala wrangling in the second dimension these days. That’s where the money is, m’boy!