The Marriage Interpreter | Bluebird Blvd. | Because bluebirds are so darned happy. Supposedly.

Humor :: The Marriage Interpreter (No. 52)

October 27, 2015March 2, 2017 Courtenay Bluebird6 Comments

THE HUSBAND walks into Bluebird’s office carrying two pairs of trousers on hangers.

The Husband: Hey! Guess what I got for school!

Bluebird: (Sets down pen.) What’d you get?

The Husband: Some trousers! On sale! See this pair? They’re Pollos!

Bluebird: (Squinting at trousers.) Uh . . .

The Husband: (Oblivious.) You know! Pollos? Like the chicken? They have a little man on a chicken holding a hammer on them. VERY classy.

(Bluebird is speechless.)

The Husband: Hey! Guess what I got for school! Some trousers! On sale! See this pair? They’re Pollos!

THE HUSBAND is reading on the living room couch.

Bluebird: (Squinting from kitchen.) What are you reading?

The Husband: This? Oh, it’s the Lolololag Largolarginaut.

Bluebird: Wha—?

The Husband: —the Hoolag Hoolighuganao!

Bluebird: I still don’t know what you’re saying.

The Husband: You know! You gave it to me! The Ololololoo Loo-loo-ooginoh!

Bluebird: Do you mean “THE GULAG”—

The Husband: Yes.

Bluebird: —”ARCHIPELAGO”?

The Husband: Yes! (Clears throat.) It’s a very good book. You should read it some time. Lots of vowels AND consonants. That’s VERY important to me, you know. Also, syllables. I like them a LOT.

The Husband: You know! You gave it to me! The Ololololoo Loo-loo-ooginoh!

THE HUSBAND is in the kitchen eating something crunchy. Bluebird walks in.

The Husband: (Mouth still full.) Man, these cookies are really good!

Bluebird: (Covers eyes with one hand.) Do you mean the dog cookies Karen gave us?

The Husband: (Swallows rest of dog cookie.) Yum. Peanut buttery. (A beat.) I won’t eat any more. (Another beat.) Ask Karen for the recipe, will you? (A third beat.) I need it for… the dogs.

Bluebird: Uh-huh.

Psst! Here’s the first volume to Aleksander Solzhenitsyn’s The Gulag Archipelago. It is an amazing story of life in the early Soviet Union and the gulag system.

Humor :: The Marriage Interpreter (No. 51)

September 20, 2014March 2, 2017 Courtenay BluebirdLeave a comment

Advil Lavigne: Just tell me which one fixes the headache.

The Husband: Dude, your neck is thick! Just like that girl on Downton Abbey.

Abelard: ???

The Husband: (Grasping for name.) You know who I’m talking about—the one with the thick neck!

Abelard: ???

The Husband: (Remembers her name; face lights up. ) Lady Instagram!

THE HUSBAND is washing dishes and ruminating. Bluebird is reading.

The Husband: Bluebird?

Bluebird: Yes?

The Husband: Did you know there can only be one Highlander?

Bluebird: (Dreamily staring at open book.). Okay.

The Husband: Are you listening?

Bluebird: Yes. (Looks up.) You’re a Dr. Pepper—

The Husband: —Highlander.

Bluebird: (Returns to reading.) Congratulations.

THE HUSBAND calls Bluebird from the ranch.

The Husband: I need to ask you a serious question.

Bluebird: Okay, shoot.

The Husband: Who is Advil Lavigne?

Bluebird: I don’t—how did you…? Huh. Would you look at that.

THE HUSBAND is standing in the hallway ready to go to the hardware store. Bluebird is reading a book on the couch.

The Husband: I have your list.

Bluebird: (Without looking up.) Mmm-hmmm?

The Husband: (Scanning page.) So you need a dust mask and air filters—

Bluebird: (Still reading.) Hmmmmm.

The Husband: (Squinting.) —and a squid widow for a wool herring…

Bluebird: (Eyes still on book; shakes head.) Uh-uh.

The Husband: No squid widow?

Bluebird: (Dreamy voice.) Squeegee.

The Husband: Wool herring?

Bluebird: (Turning page of book.) Whole house.

The Husband: Your handwriting is awfu—

Bluebird: (Interjects.) —Are you wearing my glasses?

The Husband: No. (A pause.) Maybe. (A pause.) I’m going now.

Bluebird: (Turns another page.) Mmmm-hmmmm.

Humor :: The Marriage Interpreter (No. 50)

April 20, 2014March 17, 2017 Courtenay Bluebird2 Comments

Photo-illustration of The Husband making Bunny Ears.

THE HUSBAND strolls into Bluebird’s office. BLUEBIRD is on the phone with a friend.

The Husband: What are the din deets?

Bluebird: (On the phone with P.) Wait, this is for you, P. (Turns on speaker phone.)

The Husband: What are the din deets? That means ‘dinner details’— it’s for people who are too busy to say entire words.

P: (Laughs.) How are you?

The Husband: (Grabbing the speaker phone and walking away.) What have I been doing? I’ve been busy, busy. I’m busy growing out a mustache and that takes time. . . .

THE HUSBAND looks glum.

Bluebird: What’s wrong?

The Husband: I was just listening to a Gwen Stefani song and now I’m confused.

Bluebird: Okay?

The Husband: (Frustrated.) What’s a hollowbacked girl?

Wait! Don’t tell me! Your talking about Eggy Strop. (Flustered.) I mean, Streggy Loop! I mean, Piggy Ope! I mean—

THE HUSBAND is driving south. BLUEBIRD is in the passenger seat talking a mile-a-minute.

Bluebird: . . .and that reminds me of—

The Husband: Wait! Don’t tell me! Your talking about Eggy Strop. (Flustered.) I mean, Streggy Loop! I mean, Piggy Ope! I mean—

Bluebird: (Wide-eyed.) —Iggy Pop?

The Husband: (A beat. Then, casual-like.) Well, naturally it’s. . . that guy.

THE HUSBAND IS SENDING TEXT MESSAGES to Bluebird from the ranch.

(Ping! A message arrives.)

The Husband: I’m changing my pen name to Verdana Fontt.

Bluebird: (Texting back.) Okay? What’s your middle name, then?

The Husband: Futura. (Ping!) But she’s thinking about changing it to her mother’s maiden name—

Bluebird: (Realizes what’s coming.) (Small voice.) Oh no.

The Husband: (Ping!) —San Serif.

(Bluebird covers her eyes with her hands.)

The Husband: (Ping!) Are you still there? (Ping!) Anyway, Verdana Fontt is also a superhero. (Ping!) She can give you an instant migraine at will if you stare at her too long.

THE HUSBAND is calling Bluebird from the ranch on Easter Sunday.

Bluebird: (Answering phone.) Hello?

The Husband: Happy Halloween!

Bluebird: ??? (Pause.) Are you having a stroke?

The Husband: (Ignoring question.) Did you know you can make an omelette with Cadbury Cream Eggs? (Talking faster.) I’ve had six cups of coffee! (And faster.) I think I may go for a run this morning!

Bluebird: I…(Stumped.) Hunh.

The Husband: (Talking at the speed of sound.) Thenewespressomaker fromthethriftstore worksgreat! (Even faster.) I’mgoingtohavemorecoffeenow! Iwillcallyouafter Ifinishstudying! HappyEaster!

(The Husband hangs up.)

The Bluebird looks at her phone in wonder.

Bluebird: (Out loud.) What just happened?

(Happy Easter, everyone!)

Illustrated Husband making bunny ears.

Humor :: The Marriage Interpreter (No. 4) — Wedding Anniversary Edition

November 9, 2011March 17, 2017 Courtenay BluebirdLeave a comment

Beaming bride with groom in early 1950s color photo — Our anniversary is. . . what date is this again?

BLUEBIRD is reading. The phone rings.

Bluebird: Hello?

The Husband: Happy anniversary, Bluebird!

Bluebird: (???)

The Husband: (pause) Oh, man. You FORGOT.

Bluebird: I. . . thought it was. . . tomorrow?

The Husband: That’s my job.

Bluebird: (Eyes rolling back into head from embarrassment.) Um.

The Husband: Don’t make that face. You just forgot to make the eighteen post-its you always use. Remember your birthday this year? Eighteen Post-Its. People in space knew it was your birthday.

Bluebird: How did you know I was making that face?

The Husband: Because we’re married. Happy anniversary. You’re getting Post-Its. Act surprised.

Humor :: The Marriage Interpreter (No. 2)

November 8, 2011March 2, 2017 Courtenay BluebirdLeave a comment

Ted Denishawn's legs in various dance positions — Note that none of these body parts are the baby-maker. [NYPL Digital Collection]

Read The Marriage Interpreter (No. 1) here.

Bluebird: So… M. thinks you should do the Running Man, and A—— was wondering if you hit yourself in the baby-maker trying to do “the sprinkler.”

(The Husband attempts half-hearted “running-man.”)

Bluebird: You need to pick up your knees more.

(The Husband complies. Something pops. Loudly.)

The Husband: OW. I’m tired. In sign language today, we went to a lecture that was all in sign language. Wait. Which part of the body is the baby-maker?

(Bluebird gestures toward the part. Parts.)

The Husband: No, I did not hit myself in the baby-maker. I hurt my neck doing “the sprinkler” and now my knee. . . (gestures to knee). Look, I’m tired. I told you about the lecture. All in sign language.

Bluebird: Mark thinks—

The Husband: (Suddenly alert.) Which Mark?

Bluebird: This is a Mark you haven’t met. He thinks you need to “get footloose.”

The Husband: What I need to get is a nap. (Starts limping towards hallway.)

Bluebird: (Calling after him.) I can’t tell them any of this. This isn’t very interesting.

(The Husband swivels around and signs something with his left hand.)

Bluebird: Well, I certainly can’t tell them that.

The Husband: Tell them it means baby-maker.

Humor :: The Marriage Interpreter (No. 1)

November 8, 2011March 2, 2017 Courtenay BluebirdLeave a comment

The Husband: Look! I can do the sprinkler! (Starts groping head and neck to do a dance move he saw on TV.)

Bluebird: You’re going to hurt yourself.

The Husband: Uh! (Hurts himself.)

Bluebird: Are you okay?

The Husband: Are you recording our conversation on your blog? Tell them I’m attempting to crunk. Crump. Cramp. Whatever. Tell them I am dropping it like it is very hot.