BB’s Personality Quiz :: Are you savvy about Valentine’s Day?


Skeptical looking woman holding a photograph of a man.
This was the last guy who tried to give me tangelos for Valentine’s Day. Don’t be that guy.
This quiz was originally published on Feb. 8, 2013.


Are you a know-nothing when it comes to Cupid’s cuddliest holiday? Take this quiz and find out!


VALENTINE’S DAY CELEBRATES:

 

    a) the invention of the colors pink and red by known international scientists,  who were actually trying to find a cure for the common rhinosinusitis infection.

    b) I want chocolate. Let’s celebrate that.

    c) St. … Something-or-other. And the creator of “accordion style” holiday decorations.  So pretty!

    d) the discovery that a woman’s uterus does not travel freely around her body when it’s not anchored down by marriage. So we give each other non-anatomically correct hearts and chocolate to remind ourselves that uteruses. . . don’t roam anymore? That doesn’t sound right.


FOR VALENTINE’S DAY, I PLAN TO:

 

    a) dress in pink and red, and walk around with a decorated basket full of loose Necco Conversation Candy Hearts that I will throw violently at my coworkers. And then I’ll get arrested like I do every year.

    b) Shhhh. I’m listening for the UPS driver who is bringing me a quarter-ton of chocolate assortments sometime today.

    c) get eighteen boxes of Kleenex and twenty extra-squishy romantic comedies and some sort of blanket-poncho. I am going to cry myself dehydrated. My skin will look like fruit leather afterwards, but I will feel sooooo much better.

    d) This year, I’m going to twirl in a bed sheet in front of the public library. Gonna Isadora Duncan up this joint! Wanna come with?


THE BEST VALENTINE’S GIFT IS:

 

    a) When you care enough to give the very best you put in wall-to-ceiling pink shag carpeting in the master bathroom. Like Jayne Mansfield’s classy bath in her Pink Palace.

    b) That UPS driver is late. And I’m jonesing. Where’s my secret chocolate stash?!? I HATE EVERYTHING.

    c) I dunno. Nineteen boxes of Kleenex? Twenty-one romantic comedies? Crying ’til you throw up? I’m pretty set on my own plan, here.

    d) (Singing.) I gave my love/ a bucket of tangelos. / Oh, why did she go? / Oh why did she go/and smash up my Chevrolet?


WHAT’S THE WORST VALENTINE’S OUTFIT?

 

    a) There is no such thing. Please help me put on my gigantic pink leghorn hat. My pink lace gloves make everything too slippy.

    b) This is a sweatpants only household on this holy day. Now, shush! I’m calling @#*%ing UPS.

    c) Just dress like Julia Roberts in any of her movies and you’ll be fine.

    d) Dude, I’m wearing a pink leotard and a blanket poncho for my impromptu library performance. You bring the sparklers! See ya!


DO YOU DECORATE YOUR HOUSE FOR VALENTINE’S DAY?

 

    a) I always do a scale-replica mosaic of The Rokeby Venus using Necco Conversation Candy Hearts on my front door. And then I’ll get fined by the neighborhood association like I do every year.

    b) I want that delayed UPS driver’s head on a pike on my lawn. Happy Valentine’s Day!

    c) Only with my tears, darling.

    d) One word: Bongos. Where do you put them? Everywhere. (Singing.) I gave my love / a bushel of bongos. / She drummed my head / with her pointy young hands. / Oh, why did she go? / Oh, why did she go? / And eat all the tangelos with another young man?


HOW TO TALLY YOUR RESULTS:

 
Make a printout of this quiz. Ball it up. Put it in a blender with PLENTY of water and puree for one minute. Then count the pieces of paper in the blender. Read the key below to figure out your results!

    0-25 PIECES (MOSTLY A’S): You are a Valentine’s Traditionalist. In a perfect world, you’d have a battalion of concrete reproductions of Michelangelo’s David on your front lawn. Barring that, you should get all the candy hears your little heart desires this year. Go and mosaic in peace, my friend.

    26-60 PIECES (MOSTLY B’S): You are Valentine’s Oblivious. Your personality is entirely constructed out of milk chocolate, and therefore should not be left out in the sun. I know you’re not actually reading this right now, because you’re busy using your chocnoculars out the front window to spot that errant UPS driver. Hey, UPS driver—drop that package and run like hell!

    61-90 PIECES (MOSTLY C’S): You are a True Valentine. Grab your blanket poncho and your Kleenex and go out to the movies this year. You need to be surrounded by other romantic comedy enthusiasts with similar, uh, needs as your own.

    91-1000 PIECES (MOSTLY D’S): You are a Valentine Improvisationalist. (Singing.) My true love tried/to give me fruit. / For Valentine’s Day / For Valentine’s Day / My true love tried / to give me drums. / For Valentine’s Day / For Valentine’s Day / I burned up his car / and now I date Arnold / who gives me flowers / For Valentine’s Day / For Valentine’s Daaaaaaay!

Humor :: The Marriage Interpreter (No. 52)

The Husband upside-down dancing with psychedelic chickens.


THE HUSBAND walks into Bluebird’s office carrying two pairs of trousers on hangers.

The Husband: Hey! Guess what I got for school!

Bluebird: (Sets down pen.) What’d you get?

The Husband: Some trousers! On sale! See this pair? They’re Pollos!

Bluebird: (Squinting at trousers.) Uh . . .

The Husband: (Oblivious.) You know! Pollos? Like the chicken? They have a little man on a chicken holding a hammer on them. VERY classy.

(Bluebird is speechless.)


The Husband: Hey! Guess what I got for school! Some trousers! On sale! See this pair? They’re Pollos!


THE HUSBAND is reading on the living room couch.

Bluebird: (Squinting from kitchen.) What are you reading?

The Husband: This? Oh, it’s the Lolololag Largolarginaut.

Bluebird: Wha—?

The Husband: —the Hoolag Hoolighuganao!

Bluebird: I still don’t know what you’re saying.

The Husband: You know! You gave it to me! The Ololololoo Loo-loo-ooginoh!

Bluebird: Do you mean “THE GULAG”—

The Husband: Yes.

Bluebird: —”ARCHIPELAGO”?

The Husband: Yes! (Clears throat.) It’s a very good book. You should read it some time. Lots of vowels AND consonants. That’s VERY important to me, you know. Also, syllables. I like them a LOT.


The Husband: You know! You gave it to me! The Ololololoo Loo-loo-ooginoh!


THE HUSBAND is in the kitchen eating something crunchy. Bluebird walks in.

The Husband: (Mouth still full.) Man, these cookies are really good!

Bluebird: (Covers eyes with one hand.) Do you mean the dog cookies Karen gave us?

The Husband: (Swallows rest of dog cookie.) Yum. Peanut buttery. (A beat.) I won’t eat any more. (Another beat.) Ask Karen for the recipe, will you? (A third beat.) I need it for… the dogs.

Bluebird: Uh-huh.


Brightly colored photo collage of The H. dancing with psychedelic chickens.


 
Psst! Here’s the first volume to Aleksander Solzhenitsyn’s The Gulag Archipelago. It is an amazing story of life in the early Soviet Union and the gulag system.

Humor :: The Marriage Interpreter (No. 51)


Advil Lavigne: Just tell me which one fixes the headache.


The Husband: Dude, your neck is thick! Just like that girl on Downton Abbey.

Abelard: ???

The Husband: (Grasping for name.) You know who I’m talking about—the one with the thick neck!

Abelard: ???

The Husband: (Remembers her name; face lights up. ) Lady Instagram!



THE HUSBAND is washing dishes and ruminating. Bluebird is reading.

The Husband: Bluebird?

Bluebird: Yes?

The Husband: Did you know there can only be one Highlander?

Bluebird: (Dreamily staring at open book.). Okay.

The Husband: Are you listening?

Bluebird: Yes. (Looks up.) You’re a Dr. Pepper—

The Husband: —Highlander.

Bluebird: (Returns to reading.) Congratulations.



THE HUSBAND calls Bluebird from the ranch.

The Husband: I need to ask you a serious question.

Bluebird: Okay, shoot.

The Husband: Who is Advil Lavigne?

Bluebird: I don’t—how did you…? Huh. Would you look at that.




THE HUSBAND is standing in the hallway ready to go to the hardware store. Bluebird is reading a book on the couch.

The Husband: I have your list.

Bluebird: (Without looking up.) Mmm-hmmm?

The Husband: (Scanning page.) So you need a dust mask and air filters—

Bluebird: (Still reading.) Hmmmmm.

The Husband: (Squinting.) —and a squid widow for a wool herring…

Bluebird: (Eyes still on book; shakes head.) Uh-uh.

The Husband: No squid widow?

Bluebird: (Dreamy voice.) Squeegee.

The Husband: Wool herring?

Bluebird: (Turning page of book.) Whole house.

The Husband: Your handwriting is awfu—

Bluebird: (Interjects.) —Are you wearing my glasses?

The Husband: No. (A pause.) Maybe. (A pause.) I’m going now.

Bluebird: (Turns another page.) Mmmm-hmmmm.