At Bluebird Blvd., we take certain things seriously, but housekeeping is not one of those things! No sirree-bobcat tail! Regardless of our ignorance, we feel perfectly qualified to tell you all about cleaning your house during the three months of spring. Didja catch the part where we said we don’t know diddly jack about housekeeping? Keep that in mind as you answer these questions, will ya?
A housekeeping expert would call your home:
a) Perfect. We don’t breathe or touch anything while we are inside the house. And we vacuum our ceilings twice a day just like my daddy taught me.
b) Clean enough. Everything you can see is clean. But for cripes sake, don’t open that closet door! Don’t even look cross-eyed at the cabinets! Nope, don’t go in that room! Or that one! And don’t EVER look under the sofa, okay?
c) I don’t know? Lemme ask you a question— Why do people wash bath towels? I mean, don’t they stay clean?
d) A wonderland of unclassifiable smells.
What makes your cleaning style unique?
a) My special origami laundry folding technique. All my t-shirts are in the shape of cranes! It’s a family specialty!
b) I like to SHOUT WHILE I SCRUB THE SHOWER BECAUSE IT HELPS ME DEAL WITH STRESS. ALSO WHILE I DO DISHES. AND MOP FLOORS. AND WEED THE YARD. I HAVE A LOT OF STRESS!
c) Wait a sec. I can’t stop laughing! Unique? It’s unique when I clean at all!
d) I cannot hear you through my HAZMAT suit. Sorry!
In one sentence, describe the best way to tackle Spring Cleaning.
a) Take off a month from work and make a twenty-page checklist. Then you rent all your heavy equipment. That’s how five generations of my family have tackled Spring Cleaning. Tradition is good!
b) On the first day of April, check underneath your sofa to see what’s collected there in the last twelve months. It’s like a piñata filled with dirty pocket change and dust bunnies! Whee!
c) Well. . . honestly? I try to get the crying out of the way first. That takes about two days, tops.
d) Hibernate until June.
What’s the one Spring Cleaning task you’d like to delegate to an expert?
a) Mr. Clean is my witness: No cleaning “expert” will ever cross the threshold of my house! I’m the expert around here! Tradition!
b) I want to delegate everything to the expert from all the “a” answers in this quiz. Damn, that person sounds efficient! I want a self-cleaning kitchen. And I want Rosie the Robot from The Jetsons to come live with me, and clean house while cracking wise, sitcom style!
c) Here are all the keys to my place, cleaning expert. I’m going to stay in a Motel 6 in Barbados until you call me, okay? Bye-byeeeeee!
d) (Humming to self.) I’m moving to a yurt in March! I like potato salad!
In a few words, tell me what you do when you’re not cleaning:
a) Thinking. About cleaning. Will you excuse me? I need to vacuum my ceiling again.
b) Two words: I work. There’s your answer. I need a 72-hour nap from my workweek.
c) “Hello! You have reached my cell phone. I am in Barbados while a team of nationwide experts cleans my house. Did you know that you have to wash bath towels? Crazy! Leave a message after the—. . . .”
d) I collect asphalt!
HOW TO TALLY YOUR ANSWERS
Put on a fez. Now take it off. Do a hoochie-coochie dance. Now stop. Wow, you’re really following the directions here, aren’t you? No fooling now. Count up your letters and whichever letter you chose most is your answer. The key is below.
YOU ARE AN A-TYPE SPRING CLEANER: Martha Stewart wants to bring you on her show to talk about your sixteen methods for cleaning grout. You’re the only person we know who can wear an all-white outfit to an outdoor barbecue and come back home looking cleaner than when you left, if that’s possible. You are a natural dirt-deterrent and an excellent launderer. In fact, we’re a little embarrassed that you stopped cleaning to take this quiz.
YOU ARE A B-TYPE SPRING CLEANER: As the Average Joe/Jolene of the cleaning world, we know that cleaning makes you moody, and not cleaning makes you feel guilty. You are a cleaning product advertiser’s dream: a picture of scrubbing bubbles will send you hurtling to the store to get the latest hyper-toxic all-surface spray that claims to cut your housekeeping in half. Listen, do us all a favor and vacuum underneath your couch every once in awhile. We know that on April 1st of last year you found over a thousand dollars in change under your sofa cushions. Clean your sofa more often. We also think you need to get trousers with better pockets!
YOU’RE A C-TYPE SPRING CLEANER: We worry about you a little bit. How could you not know to wash your own bath towels regularly? When was the last time you cleaned your stove top? Do you know you have to dust your light fixtures periodically? Get a housecleaning book and read it cover to cover. Think of it as a detective novel and you need soap to find all of the clues. Give us a call when (or if!) you get back from Barbados!
YOU’RE A D-TYPE SPRING CLEANER: Good luck with your teepee move. We also like potato salad, but we try not to eat it in bed. This thing over here is called a “broom.” It moves dirt from one spot to another. This is called a “dustpan.” It picks up the dirt you moved, and you throw it into a “garbage can” outside where the city can pick it up. Here you go! You’ll get the hang of it… we think!