The Marriage Interpreter (No. 49)

Picture of pot pie with Husband lyics.

THE HUSBAND is working at his desk. Monkey nudges his arm.

The Husband: Stop it, Monkey! I am Powerpointing and my arm is tired!

(A beat.)

Monkey: (Softly.) Woof?

The Husband: Powerpointing!

THE HUSBAND just got home from the ranch.

The Husband: Did you hear about my new band?

Bluebird: No, I haven’t

The Husband: We’re called “The Soggy Nachos.”

Bluebird: (Suspiciously.) What’s your hit song?

The Husband: (Quickly.) “Kittens Give Morbo Gas”*

THE HUSBAND is holding Monkey’s face, and singing:

“I love you, Monk, and you don’t care that I have my sweatpants on baaackwards!”

THE HUSBAND is singing while he shaves.

The Husband: (More or less on-key.) OHHHHH, young SOLDIERRRRR! GO and BLOW your HOO-OOOORN!

Bluebird: (Looking around the corner.) Is that a real song?

The Husband: (Still singing.) OHHHHH, young SOLDIERRRRR! GO and EAT a POT-PIIIIE! (A beat.) No.

(Bluebird sighs.)

THE HUSBAND is sitting at the kitchen table, studying.

The Husband: If I were a ceramicist—

Bluebird: (Looks up from computer) Yes?

The Husband: —I would open a shop called 50 Shades of Clay.

Bluebird: Oh, that sounds… wait, what?!?

THE HUSBAND is doing dishes and singing.

The Husband: Don’t LAAAAAY DOWN on the BED if there’s a PRICE on your HEAD!

Bluebird: What are you singing?

The Husband: The theme song from Shaft.

(Fifteen minutes later, Bluebird comes back.)

Bluebird: Okay, I looked everywhere. (Pause.) You totally made that up, didn’t you?

The Husband: (Looks up from last dish.) Chicken pot, chicken pot, chicken pot piiiiiiiiiie!

HEY! Have you ever heard the Chicken Pot Pie song? (The song is only five seconds long, but this is looped. Click it off right away, or you’ll hear it 30 times in a row and be annoyed. It’s really funny the first time though.)

*THAT’S A FUTURAMA JOKE, SON. Check out the Futurama wiki here. I wanted to show you that clip, but I cannot find one anywhere! Glaaah! Do you know where I can find the “Kittens give Morbo gas” bit?

TODAY’S MUSICAL PAIRING: [5-MINUTE DANCE PARTY] Brightness and Contrast by the Kleptones!

About Courtenay Bluebird

Courtenay Bluebird is the creator of Bluebird Blvd. and The Bluebird B-Side. She is a published writer, career journalist, and professional photographer who likes books and sweets. She laughs loudly and sincerely both in public and in private.
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