THE HUSBAND is talking in bed. Bluebird is not listening.
The Husband: … my lumbago was acting up, and that was the year my Uncle Rufus got the Ear-Dread that was going around in ninenteen… ought-six.
THE HUSBAND just walked into the living room.
The Husband: (Points at Bluebird dramatically.) I had a dream last night that you were trying to put me in a Judo outfit. Uniform. Whatever.
Bluebird: (Looks up from computer.) Was this when I put the blankets back on you? The dogs stole them while you were asleep, you know.
The Husband: And I kept telling you in my dream that I wanted to dress like the Native American dude from the Village People because that has always been my wish since I was a wee boy of six.
Bluebird: (A beat.) I’m calling your sisters this afternoon. I want details. I bet you ruined a feather pillow, didn’t you?
The Husband: (Waves arms wildly. Dogs start barking and jumping around.) C’mon Monkey! Get Bluebird! JUDO CHOP!
THE HUSBAND is explaining how he spells new words.
The Husband: I try to pronounce it frenetically because I am a listening person who listens a lot, but what I really want to do is listen and talk at the same time.
Bluebird: Frenetically? Are we still talking about spelling?
The Husband: Yes. It’s like that learning gizmo that kids use. Hooked On Frenetics. It has cards, I think. And a gold bell. Maybe puffy stickers.
Bluebird: I, uh… yeah. (Cracks up laughing.)
The Husband: What’s so funny? Are you writing this down?
THE HUSBAND is at the ranch. He is on the phone with Bluebird.
The Husband: (Musing.) You know, what? I am going to start saying “’round yonder” more often.
The Husband: ‘Cause that’s where I am at right now. You know, in my heart.
Bluebird: (Baffled.) Where are you, physically?
The Husband: (With a shrug in his voice.) Does ’round yonder have map coordinates? Can you find the joy of a crisp autumn breeze on Google Maps? Can you really pinpoint the surfectifaciousisnessness of wanderlust?
Bluebird: (Slowly.) I think I have a headache from… yonder.
THE HUSBAND is passing Bluebird in the hallway.
The Husband: You don’t understand my music*!
Bluebird: (Eyes blinking rapidly.) I what, now?
The Husband: See? Tambourine, tambourine, tambourine! (Dances down hallway to bedroom.)
Bluebird: (Speaking down empty hallway.) You’re quoting Bob’s Burgers again, aren’t you?
The Husband: (From bedroom.) Tam-bour-ine! Tam-bour-ine!
*The Husband quotes the TV show Bob’s Burgers all the time lately.
YOU COULDN’T POSSIBLY THINK THIS WAS A ONE TIME INCIDENT, COULD YOU?
- You know that movie “Barnaby Jones, Space Ninja”? No? The Husband can tell you all about it.
- Tonight, we will all enjoy Golem and Herb crackers together.
- No, I do not see why it would be a good idea to watch me read Fifty Shades of Gray, Husband.