Bluebird and The Husband are sitting in the living room. It is a Saturday evening.
Bluebird: (Holding up red envelopes) Our Netflix came in!
The Husband: Did you get me Downton Abbey?
Bluebird: Was I supposed to?
The Husband: Yes.
Bluebird: Didn’t you just watch all of it? Why do you want to see it again so soon?
The Husband: (Eyes brighten) Well… it’s got a great story.
The Husband: (Looking at ceiling while he thinks.) It’s about a castle family that’s pretty broke because, um, they don’t own the place. They rent.
The Husband: The father is an uptight face who says, “Balderdash.” And, “How DARE YOU, Sir!” I say it all the time. And I say, “Balderash!,” too. The mother is Peggy Sue. She’s American.
Bluebird: Peggy… Sue?
The Husband: (Nods) Peggy Sue. There are maids and man servants and a ditzy teenager girl who empties out the, um, whatchamacallits. Her name is Paulie Girl.
Bluebird: (Holds up palm) Wait. That can’t be right. Paulie Girl?
The Husband: (Tilts head) I’m not sure about the names, but I love the show. I’ve seen every episode. (Getting into it.) There’s a lot of high tea drama. That’s high drama during high tea. It’s very British. You have to be from… the Britain to know what I am saying. The Britain-ish of that time were happy if they were rich and if you weren’t, you couldn’t own a nice hat.
(Bluebird is confused, but keeps nodding.)
The Husband: (Oblivious to the Bluebird’s confusion) Matthew, the new rightful heir, meets Mary for the first time. She’s the daughter of the Lord of the Dance… Hall. Her dad’s name is Edward. He’s the uptight face. His daughter was rude to Matthew. She wore a top hat with a scarf on the hat the day they met. It was very nineties. Like Flash from the Axl Rose Band. No! His name was Snake Plissken!
Bluebird: (Weak-voiced) Is there… more?
The Husband: (Doesn’t even hear her.) Anyways it was the same kind of hat with a scarf and she was out riding. Matthew was nice and she was rude because she thought he was a commoner. A commoner doesn’t have a real job, like being a duke or something. They have to work. In actuality, Matthew was a licensed barista.
(Bluebird starts laughing.)
The Husband: You know— a lawyer. What’s so funny? A banister?
Bluebird: Matthew is a banister. Okay.
The Husband: And… Matthew wasn’t royalty and he always went everywhere with his mother. She is a skinny Eleanor Roosevelt. She shaved refugees from… a place. England? No, we’re in England.
The Husband: (In the home stretch) Well, anyways, the family is worried he’s going to take over the bouncy castle and kick them all out because they just rent, you remember? And they aren’t baristas like Matthew, so they can’t get real jobs. And the man with uptight face? His mother would always say, “Now, Edward.” (Pauses) Oh! Mary, his daughter with the top hat, has an affair with a Turkish dandy-man and he dies!
Bluebird: (So, so confused) Anything else?
The Husband: (Thinking. Looks up.) This is the first season. I am going to buy a top hat. Then I will tell you about the second season some other time.
Bluebird: I have a headache.
The Husband: Why?
Bluebird: I… don’t know.
The Husband: You need a top hat.
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NEXT WEEK, OUR SUNDAY BEST will return to it’s regularly scheduled weekly slot. Happy Sunday, my friends!