Once again, I have been keeping a list of all of the things The Husband has said lately.
The last time I did a “bits and pieces” version of our dialogues was in The Marriage Interpreter (No. 19).
Some of these you may have seen on Facebook. Others I stashed away to share with you on a day like this one. Have fun!
THE HUSBAND just got home from class. He’s taking advanced Spanish.
The Husband: Hoo-boy! This class is definitely advanced. We’re studying informal confederates. Perfedorates, uh. And subjunctive clods. Hey! Why are you laughing now?
THE HUSBAND is on the phone. He is at the ranch.
The Husband: I thought I brought my Spanish discs so I could study my Spanish for class, right?
Bluebird: (Sort of not listening.) Mmm-hmm?
The Husband: But, I accidentally brought “Lost In Translation” instead. Did you know that I can conjugate Japanese verbs? Bill Murray is not going to help me with my Spanish, is he?
Bluebird: Mm-hmm…. Wait, what!?!
THE HUSBAND says he’s going to open up a Western-themed pet store called “Sam’s Pecks and Paws.”
THE HUSBAND, peering at me over his coffee, in the kitchen.
The Husband: I am all omnibotempt!
Bluebird: Yes. Yes, you are that.
THE HUSBAND is dancing around my office with his brand new textbook set for next fall.
The Husband: Fistful of poetry, bro! BOOYAH!
The HUSBAND is SINGING in the hallway— “Cheeeeeetah skulllls and turkey feathers!”
THE HUSBAND just got into an argument with my dressmaker’s dummy.
The Husband: (Accidentally kicking dummy.) Just take it easy! (Points finger.) Just calm down. Okay, then!
(The Husband walks back out of my office without another word.)
THE HUSBAND just jogged through my office.
The Husband: I am putting the “FUN” back into perFUNctory!
The Husband: And what does perfunctory mean again?
(The Husband jogs away.)
The HUSBAND is SINGING as he shaves— “Deer antlers and a CIVIL WAR BUGLE candelabra! Sans CANDLE!”
THE HUSBAND is in the kitchen.
The Husband: I’m eating nachos without the “chos.”
Bluebird: So, what’s in them, then?
The Husband: Hamburger and cheese. Because you ate the chips. And I have a festive South-of-the-Border attitude. And I’m feeling Welsh!
Bluebird: I understand you about… (Rolls eyes up, calculating.)— twenty percent of the time.
The Husband: (While eating “na” without the “chos.”) Sounds about right.
THE HUSBAND, right now, looks up from his Spanish book as I walk through the room.
The Husband: What are you doing now?
Bluebird: Exploiting the hilarity of our marriage for comic writing material.
The Husband: (Waves hand impatiently.) Yes, yes. I mean, besides that.
Bluebird: Breathing and using up gravity.
The Husband: (Gives a “thumbs up” gesture.) Keep up the good work.
(The Husband resumes studying.)
IN THE BEGINNING
It amazes me to think that the entire Marriage Interpreter series started with a discussion about “crumping.” Well, I’m amazed, myself, I tell you what!