Note to Self: Twelve Delusional Moments Before the Holiday Season

 
 
 
J.Hoover Christmas Card
 


LOOK AT:  DIY Mantel Holiday Scene made with Peruvian cardboard,  egg tempura,  and the synthetic essence of fireflies.  Who do I know that lives in Peru?


 
 
 

JANUARY

Start making list NOW for next year’s Xmas gifts.

Really DECORATE next Xmas.

Find and reorganize all Xmas ornaments.

Send thank you notes to everyone for gifts, etc.

Relax.  Enjoy!
 
 
 

FEBRUARY

Start buying gifts now to avoid frantic last-minute purchases.

LOOK AT:  DIY Xmas tree S. told you about.  Start gathering bottles to make this.  Who do I know who drinks beverages from colorful bottles?  Ask M.

Where are Xmas ornaments?  Really look!

Send Xmas thank you notes!  Find good stationary.
 
 
 

MARCH

Check balance— can buy gift for M. for Xmas now?  What about birthday?

LOOK AT:  Funny nostalgic Xmas decorations on NostalgicXmasDecorationsYouLove.blerg.  Ideas?

Xmas ornaments still missing.  Ask Husband.

Send Xmas thank you notes!
 
 
 

APRIL

Bought gift for M. for Xmas.   May be wrong size.  Find out.

LOOK AT:  Fancy-schmancy ornaments on sale at that place in San Francisco.  London?  Whatever.  Aluminum clip birds!

Found one box of Xmas ornaments that melted into goo in outside closet from Texas heat.

Send XMAS thank you notes.   C’mon now, Courtenay!  Get it together!
 
 
 

MAY

Misplaced wrong-size gift for M. somewhere in house.  Gift has been recalled by the company because it is flammable around overexcited people.

LOOK AT: Cool DIY Xmas wreath made from burned light bulbs, raffia, and used lottery tickets.  Who gets lottery tickets?   Ask around.

Found another box of Xmas ornaments.  Whose are these? Not ours.   Ask Husband and M. who might be the owner of an entire collection of sartorial Tweety Bird ornaments?

BUY thank you note cards for BELATED XMAS thank you notes. All thank you cards missing in house?  Who used them???
 
 
 

JUNE

M.’s gift cannot be found, nor can any other Xmas ornaments.   We found a box marked “Xmas Ornaments,” but it contained a vintage blender, two pairs of clip on earrings, and a homemade coupon for dishwashing services that The Husband gave me ten years ago.  I want to cash that dishwashing coupon, but The Husband pointed out that it expired.  “How does a homemade coupon expire?” I asked.   Then he asked me, “Did you finally write those Xmas thank you notes from five months ago?”  Conversation ended in détente.

LOOK AT:  XMAS! pinboard on my new Pinterest account, esp. DIY life-like Santa made of clothespins with Nutella accents.  Maybe make it with some ball bearings added?
 
 
 

JULY

News reports say that gifts like the one I got M. may migrate from room to room.  How is that possible?

LOOK AT:  DIY winter icicle mantle decoration made from old jeggings.  Who do I know who wears jeggings these days?

NEW BOX of Xmas ornaments found in storage closet.  Ornaments are day glow orange and depict the lives of popular reality show personalities from 2002.   No one remembers purchasing these ornaments.  Goodwill refuses to take them as a donation.

Finally wrote  thank you notes.  Cannot find stamps, envelopes, or street addresses.   Where are my envelopes?  Who took my stamps?  Where did I put my address book?
 
 
 

AUGUST

Last night we heard a nasal moaning coming from the front hallway closet.  We thought the hot water heater must have been going out.  The Husband went to investigate, and found three little blue fibers dribbled on a shelf.   M.’s gift is on the move.  Put baseball bat under the bed.

LOOK AT:  Delightful DIY Xmas card display on wall that looks like London’s Tube Map.  How many pipe cleaners were used?  Who do I know who does Sumi-e Japanese lettering?   Where can you buy pom-pom fringe in green and orange plaid?

No ornaments in any of the closets.  Now looking for fake Xmas tree.  Where did we store our fake Xmas tree?

Thank you notes without envelopes destroyed in freak mango lassi vintage blender accident.  Send thank you emails instead.
 
 
 

SEPTEMBER

M.’s gift still missing?  New reports say items like M.’s gift have begun roaming the countryside terrorizing villagers.   Husband is borrowing Havahart traps to place inside closets from M.

LOOK AT:  DIY Xmas tree made of delicate glass terrariums filled with rare mosses and local ferns on tiered shelves. No, don’t— price to make terrarium Xmas tree will fill you with existential dread.

Found five standard “ball” ornaments tucked inside of an old boot.   Box for Xmas tree found.  No tree inside.  Another coupon for dishwashing.  The Husband and I are still in negotiations over the outcome.

Send thank you emails for last Xmas.  Buy Xmas cards for this year.  Look for address book.  Last seen five years ago in a hatbox from G.
 
 
 

OCTOBER

M.’s gift has become fully sentient.   It tripped all of the Havahart traps one afternoon in a row.  Ran into wall out of panic.  Doctor says I nearly broke my nose.  Nearly, but not quite.  I whistle when I inhale now.  Should pass in a year or two, doctor says.

LOOK AT:  Gigantic snowflakes made of thousands of starched crocheted finework doilies, vintage tinfoil strips, repurposed candle wax, and shag carpet remnants.  Who do I know who uses a lot of candles?

Parts of Xmas tree have been found:  The stand and three of its naked green arms.  All of the needles fell off.  Can fake Xmas trees do that?

Send thank you emails for last Xmas.  Forget it.   Send Xmas cards that include thank you for last email.  Too tacky.   Make note to send thank you cards this year on Dec. 26th.  Where is address book?
 
 
 

NOVEMBER

M.’s gift located! It threatened the dogs this afternoon.    May have to hire dog psychiatrist.  Now, must send back to company with warning stickers on it.  Need refund to buy M. a new gift.  Borrowing a Havahart trap from M.   Finally told her about rogue Xmas present.  She asked if she was hearing things, or whether my nose was whistling when I inhaled?

LOOK AT:  DIY Outdoor Holiday Mothra made of old coffee filters, Elmer’s glue, and the broken dreams of would-be crafters.  Who do I know who still uses a lot of coffee filters?

Still hunting for remainder of Xmas tree.  The Husband thinks that M.’s gift has been living off of our Xmas ornaments and our fake Xmas tree.  I am more inclined to think that we lost the whole glittery kit ‘n’ kaboodle somehow in the move two and a half years ago.

Finish writing Xmas cards.  Email friends to get addresses again.  Get stamps.
 
 
 

DECEMBER

Get a gift card for M. with financial settlement from company for damages to house and mental health of dogs.  Get a gift card for the dog psychiatrist too.

LOOK AT:  Last minute Xmas decorating ideas for the craft-impaired.  Especially fake Xmas trees made out of ordinary household items.  List from last year?

Tree and ornaments: See above.  Neighborhood association requests removal of coffee-filter Holiday Mothra outside because it is a) obscene?  And— b) highly flammable.   Neighbors burned down Holiday Mothra last night.

Hand out Xmas cards to friends as you see them over holidays.   Continue to get addresses for next year.   And stamps.  Address book located in laundry closet.  It is empty.  Need to find other address book.
 
 
 

JANUARY

Take two-day nap.

Order new Xmas tree while on sale.

Mourn loss of ornaments.

Take dogs to their psychiatry appointment.

Follow up with ENT doctor for whistling nostrils— now they harmonize in the key of C.

Apologize to neighbors about obscene flammable Mothra.  Make cookies?

Get M. another gift card because first one got lost in house in pre-Xmas melee.

Buy thank you notes.  Get stamps!

Start Xmas list for next year today.

LOOK AT:  DIY Winter Wonderland scene made of old toothpaste caps, salvaged stained glass, and antique doorknobs.  Who do I know who uses a half-ton of toothpaste a year?

 
 

About Courtenay Bluebird (Bluebird Blvd.)

Courtenay Bluebird is the creator of Bluebird Blvd. and The Bluebird B-Side. She is a published writer, career journalist, and professional photographer who likes books and sweets. She laughs loudly and sincerely both in public and in private.
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30 Comments

  1. Diseased minds post alike! (Jessica Beebe actually found that picture)

    http://brianwestbye.wordpress.com/2011/11/17/last-will-and-testament/

    Also, thanks! My to-think-about list wasn’t long enough already! ;)

  2. You are waaay to funny!!!

    m

  3. This! “DIY Outdoor Holiday Mothra made of old coffee filters, Elmer’s glue, and the broken dreams of would-be crafters”. I REALLY wanted to see that!

    Neighbours have no sense of humour, don’t they know bonfire night is long past? ;)

    You totally win the giant to-do list competition. I have got to a point where the lists are so extensive that I just don’t care anymore. I have decided that xmas will happen with or without me so I will just be there, riding the tide of disorganization, in a sea of crumpled wrapping paper on my raft of torn boxes….

    • Me too, Metan. Me too. If I wasn’t so crafting impaired I would attempt to make a maquette of it.

      There are some actual holiday decorating ideas I had to nix because my neighbors would not find it nearly as fun and amusing as I would. (Nothing obscene, though. Absurd is the word around here, as you know, being of a similar make-up and all that.)

      I, too, have had to pare down the list. Alas, this happens every year, Metan. I daydream and plan and in the end, DIY Outdoor Holiday Mothra is burned on the lawn. :D

      And this, Metan, I would love to see in pictures:

        I will just be there, riding the tide of disorganization, in a sea of crumpled wrapping paper on my raft of torn boxes….
  4. Look Sweat Pea, Forget about the dogs psychiatric appointments. Get yourself in for some serious advice on sending out thank you cards in a timely manner. It is good to be cute and drag it out all year but think of all the others who have been waiting for your nutty thank you cards and find their mail boxes empty day after day. Don’t you think they are competing with your dogs for face time with the psyciatrist? I think you need to buy one of those Christmas trees cut from an old Reader’s Digest magazine that you can pull out and fold open. So much easier! And your ornaments? Don’t you remember that you gave them to that homeless guy who lives under the old hemlock tree over on Evergreen Street? Yeh. The guy who keeps on speaking about Soh-crates and insists on making tea from the roof over his head. Bottom line? Cool your heels. You are about to flame out. Happy New Year. Wally

    • But that is one heck of a Christmas card that you shared with us. Peruvian cardboard? Hmmmm. Oh yes. That was one hell of a good posting. I enjoyed every month of it. Wally

      • Courtenay Bluebird

        Thank you! I haven’t been writing “funny” as much in recent months. Boy, have I been missing it. I’m so glad you enjoyed this, Wally. Coming from you, that’s a high compliment, sir!

    • Courtenay Bluebird

      Just for that, I am going to put on my list: Send Wally Tomosky one of the Hello Kitty thank you cards with eight googly eyes glued on it. Because that is how I roll, sir!

      I approximate it will get done in… let me see… 2023, by my accounting.

      I have a new goal. I want a fold away Christmas tree. I’ve never seen one before. And, yeah, I gave that guy all of my ornaments, even the new ones, because he’s a great artist when he’s not snoozed out on his special oolong blend.

      Wally, you make my day. I love your sense of humor. I am sending you a googly-eyed thank you card on time with extra googles and twenty thank you’s— in my imagination right now.

      • I just recieved google-eyed-thank-you-card. I am sorry to say that some of the extra googles and “thank-yous” fell out of the envelope and landed on the floor. My dog ate three googles before I could stop him. Now he is “gag’ling” and making strange noises that will end in no good, to be sure. I was able to save all of the thank yous and now have them taped on my window. The neighbors love them. They all point at my house and ogle and “oooogle” and then whisper something to each other. Probably saying “Look at that lucky guy, he got “thank yous” from Courtenay.”

      • Courtenay Bluebird

        And now I am giggling and listening to some moog music. You are a delight, sir. A delight.

  5. Courtenay there are few places I’d rather be than home at Christmas but I think your place would definitely be one of them! What a great post! :)

  6. That’s an entire year of torture! You are way too hard on yourself. Every December, I decide it’s time to start making some gifts. Then I burn the hell out of my finger with the hot glue gun and turn to drink.

    • Courtenay Bluebird

      I have to tell you that the minute I read this comment I busted out laughing like a loon. (And I’ve laughed about six times since then over this comment.)

      You are so funny. One of the things I love most about your writing is when you break out that stellar sense of humor of yours. Great timing, my friend. Really great.

      As for my frantic Xmas behavior, I’ve toned it down, some, in recent years. This is probably a “greatest hits” version of my worst impulses, SDS. I am seriously a goof. :D

  7. A truly inspired vision which captures all the horror of the holiday.

  8. Ah you must have had fun writing this one. :D I particularly liked the feral present. I also congratulated myself on /not/ sending xmas cards! Saves so much angst.

    • Courtenay Bluebird

      I did have fun writing this one! That present was entirely feral. And I feel no guilt about not doing Xmas cards. After years of the angst you just mentioned, I just… stopped. So much happier. :)

      • You make me feel so much better as I still get the guilts every so often [about not sending cards]. :D

      • Meeka, after years and years and years and years and YEARS of trying to get out Christmas cards unsuccessfully, I finally was able to let it go.

        That may have been one of the most freeing moments of my life.

        Now I concentrate all of my wackadoo energies on trying to complete craft projects that are outside the scope of my abilities. I am truly woefully craft-impaired. :D

      • Bah! Aren’t you enough of a renaissance woman already? Besides, I can’t believe you wouldn’t succeed at something you really set your mind to. :D

  9. Delightful reading. Thank you.

Hey there, cupcake! How are ya?

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