Dearest SPAM Distributor,

 
 
 
Dearest SPAM Distributor
 
 
 

Dearest SPAM Distributor,

 

Hello! How are you? I realize this short note is entirely overdue. You’ve been in touch with me for years and years now, since the early days of breast enhancing creams and overwrought Nigerian princes, and I have never even bothered to drop you a cheerful line. Please do excuse my rudeness.

You see, dearest SPAM distributor, I was always taught to not respond to your siren call. If you respond to SPAM, they told me, you’ll just get more SPAM— and boy! I didn’t want that!

You have provided me with ample reading material every day that’s tailored just to my needs, and the thought of getting more of it— well, I simply didn’t (and still don’t)—have the time to read more than six hundred messages from you a day. All those Nigerian princes! All those breast enhancing creams!
 
 
 

Now, I realize this may be an opportunity lost for yours truly, but I’m still getting over that gross ton of NoNo Deluxe Laser Hair Removal Systems that you sent right to my doorstep as a gift, C.O.D. Did you know that it is illegal to sell a NoNo in my state? New or used? Terrible!

And while we’re speaking of opportunities, let me say that I appreciate your new approach to communicating with me on Bluebird Blvd. (You know what I’m talking about. It’s no secret!) Those clipped together notes made from keywords from my very own blog feel like fine surrealist poetry.

I didn’t realize how often I use the word “and” in my writings until you pointed it out to me. And your adoption of the word “bluebird” in many of your comments—repeated over and over— is truly an inspired piece of errata.
 
 
 

But, I digress, dearest SPAM Distributor. I wanted to thank you—truly—for all of your hard work. Because we won’t be in communication online anymore. I bought Norelco’s new SPAMZapper from a special advertisement last night, and I’m quite excited about it. The Norelco SPAMZapper removes 93 percent of all SPAM from your life— online and off! —or your money back, within 14 and three-quarter days.

I know I’ll miss you and your funny habits, dearest SPAM distributor. And your weird typing, and that special way you have of turning a phrase inside out so it just doesn’t make sense.

But I don’t think I’ll miss all of those breast-enhanced Nigerian Princes who watch the bluebirds fly north. Those princes always misspell my last name, and their checks never, ever clear with my bank. You should have a talk with them, dearest SPAM distributor. Your integrity is at stake, and I know you value the weight of your word.
 
 
 

Yours true sincerity,

 

Courtenay Bunny Dees Fouke Glqszcmvfcjsecmwe IV<

 
 
 

MORE SPAMTASTICNESS USING THIS ONE WEIRD TRICK:

* Because this word should be in the dictionary— thesaurude
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

About Courtenay Bluebird (Bluebird Blvd.)

Courtenay Bluebird is the creator of Bluebird Blvd. and The Bluebird B-Side. She is a published writer, career journalist, and professional photographer who likes books and sweets. She laughs loudly and sincerely both in public and in private.
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30 Comments

  1. Ah, spam… Where would we be without it. When they start making real sense you know that it is time to pack it in ;)

    thanking for most information post. will be adding this to feed for best options for knowledge. ;)

  2. The spam that sneaks through the filters seems to go in phases. A few weeks ago “lists” of some sort were in vogue; I was too timid to find out lists of what. Then a week ago arrived a flood of offers to view sexually explicit materials, or possibly to import sex goddesses from other countries. I was offended until the pornographic offers suddenly stopped. Maybe they found a photo of me online, because this week the only spam solicitations I have received are for wrinkle-removal cream.

    • BWAH! Postcards, you are the best! The ones this week are all for expensive shoes, cheap. They are full of flattery to strangers. I feel as though I’m accidentally on an old party phone line, like my grandparents had, at the ranch for years.

    • We were never “accidentally” on a party phone line. Virginia Beach was a small town; yet we never could figure out who the gossip who shared our line was. Although, maybe my older sisters knew. I was only 5. But back to the spam at hand. The wrinkle creams just were replaced by gratis sex. I made a post with the word “lascivious” in it, and spam possessing that quality just multiplied once again.

    • There was one neighbor at the ranch who burned up the line. I never did get used to sharing a phone— and I would accidentally pick it up and catch this neighbor mid-jabberjaw. (I got in so much trouble for that!) As for you, when was the last time you saw Doris Day’s “Pillow Talk”?

      Is THAT how SPAM works? It does keyword searches and grabs whatever it can get ahold of? No WONDER I’ve got the troubles I do!

      This week, my spam is all about SEO. Whoop-de-doo! How about you? Any change?

    • Yes! Would love to get together! Email me?

  3. How come you get such good spam and all I get is a handful of junk? *Jealous*

    • *Laughs* I could forward your email to some of the cretins who’ve been sending me the latest batch of spamarama, but I really don’t think you’d like to get that many letters from bust-enhanced Nigerian princes, emperors and kings! The problems they have are terrible. Good gravy, each email is practically a traditional Greek drama!

  4. Spam has given “SPAM” a bad name. Spam cooked on low heat in a cast iron frying pan is delicious; especially if laced with blue cheese. Speaking of blue cheese I still can’t find my other sneaker. Got to run now. I have a lot of messages comming in tonight. Mostly from male enhancementphiles.

  5. This just in…Migheula Norgumana, VP of the Grand Ex-Checker regrets to inform you that your name has now been withdrawn from consideration of the Norwegian National Lottery for expatriots now living in French Ghana. We appreciate your understanding as we continue to ask you to send us money so we can get home from being stranded on a North Korean oil platform (see Lake Erie). Knowing how your great-grandfather, Sir Sameon O’Story would be equally disappointed in your tirade, you’ve also been dropped from the will and its 300,000 pounds British Sterling.

  6. Oh yes, ‘spam’. Caused me a few problems last week. I’ve written about it too. An email today told me I had inherited $25,000,000,000,000.00

    Aren’t I the lucky girl!

  7. Ah, the wonders of spam. I’ve received over 31,000 spam comments. If only my blog attracted that number of genuine comments. Even though the spam filter picks up most of them, I could still develop RSI from the repetitive deletes!

    • Now that you’ve mentioned the astronomical amount of spam you’ve received since starting your blog, I am curious as to how many spam comments I’ve gotten to date? (Haven’t checked in awhile. Afraid to check, actually!)

      I’m with you, Jack– I would rather get actual comments and risk injury answering those than meddle with this half-baked spam in my comment queue. :)

    • I just checked, Jack– 20,275 spam comments. If I could do math properly, I’d be comparing the time it takes to delete that crap to the number of hours of sleep I get per month, or how many episodes of SpongeBob I’ve memorized in ten years. :D

  8. They will miss you….those spammers! Oh did you know there is just this one little trick to lose belly fat? It’s on the internet so it must be true.

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