Dearest SPAM Distributor,
Hello! How are you? I realize this short note is entirely overdue. You’ve been in touch with me for years and years now, since the early days of breast enhancing creams and overwrought Nigerian princes, and I have never even bothered to drop you a cheerful line. Please do excuse my rudeness.
You see, dearest SPAM distributor, I was always taught to not respond to your siren call. If you respond to SPAM, they told me, you’ll just get more SPAM— and boy! I didn’t want that!
You have provided me with ample reading material every day that’s tailored just to my needs, and the thought of getting more of it— well, I simply didn’t (and still don’t)—have the time to read more than six hundred messages from you a day. All those Nigerian princes! All those breast enhancing creams!
Now, I realize this may be an opportunity lost for yours truly, but I’m still getting over that gross ton of NoNo Deluxe Laser Hair Removal Systems that you sent right to my doorstep as a gift, C.O.D. Did you know that it is illegal to sell a NoNo in my state? New or used? Terrible!
And while we’re speaking of opportunities, let me say that I appreciate your new approach to communicating with me on Bluebird Blvd. (You know what I’m talking about. It’s no secret!) Those clipped together notes made from keywords from my very own blog feel like fine surrealist poetry.
I didn’t realize how often I use the word “and” in my writings until you pointed it out to me. And your adoption of the word “bluebird” in many of your comments—repeated over and over— is truly an inspired piece of errata.
But, I digress, dearest SPAM Distributor. I wanted to thank you—truly—for all of your hard work. Because we won’t be in communication online anymore. I bought Norelco’s new SPAMZapper from a special advertisement last night, and I’m quite excited about it. The Norelco SPAMZapper removes 93 percent of all SPAM from your life— online and off! —or your money back, within 14 and three-quarter days.
I know I’ll miss you and your funny habits, dearest SPAM distributor. And your weird typing, and that special way you have of turning a phrase inside out so it just doesn’t make sense.
But I don’t think I’ll miss all of those breast-enhanced Nigerian Princes who watch the bluebirds fly north. Those princes always misspell my last name, and their checks never, ever clear with my bank. You should have a talk with them, dearest SPAM distributor. Your integrity is at stake, and I know you value the weight of your word.
Yours true sincerity,
Courtenay Bunny Dees Fouke Glqszcmvfcjsecmwe IV<
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