Are you a know-nothing when it comes to Cupid’s cuddliest holiday?
Take this quiz and find out!
VALENTINE’S DAY CELEBRATES:
a) the invention of the colors pink and red by known international scientists, who were actually trying to find a cure for the common rhinosinusitis infection.
b) I want chocolate. Let’s celebrate that.
c) St. … Something-or-other. And the creator of “accordion style” holiday decorations. So pretty!
d) the discovery that a woman’s uterus does not travel freely around her body when it’s not anchored down by marriage. So we give each other non-anatomically correct hearts and chocolate to remind ourselves that uteruses don’t roam anymore.
FOR VALENTINE’S DAY, I PLAN TO:
a) dress in pink and red, and walk around with a decorated basket full of loose Necco Conversation Candy Hearts that I will throw violently at my coworkers. And then I’ll get arrested. Like I do every year.
b) Shhhh. I’m listening for the UPS driver who is bringing me a quarter-ton of chocolate assortments sometime today.
c) get eighteen boxes of Kleenex and twenty extra-squishy romantic comedies and some sort of blanket-poncho. I am going to cry myself dehydrated. My skin will look like fruit leather afterwards, but I will feel so much better. Don’t you judge me!
d) This year, I’m dancin’ like Isadora Duncan! I’m going to twirl in a bed sheet in front of the public library. Are you coming?
THE BEST VALENTINE’S GIFT, EVER, IS:
a) When you care enough to give the very best, you put in wall-to-ceiling pink shag carpeting in the master bathroom. Like Jayne Mansfield’s classy bathroom in her Pink Palace.
b) I’m not listening. That UPS driver is late. And I’m jonesing. Where’s my secret chocolate stash?!? Did you take it? You took it didn’t you? I will CUT you.
c) I dunno. Nineteen boxes of Kleenex? Twenty-one romantic comedies? A full blanket outfit? I’m pretty set on my own plan, here.
d) (Singing.) I gave my love/ a bucket of tangelos./ Oh, why did she go?/ Oh why did she go/and smash up my Chevrolet?
WHAT’S THE WORST VALENTINE’S OUTFIT?
a) There is no such thing. Please help me put on this gigantic pink leghorn hat, okay?
b) Fitted clothes. This holiday is for serious sweatpants wearing. Now, shush! I’m calling @#*%ing UPS.
c) Neon. No one in a romantic comedy wears neon. Just dress like Julia Roberts in any of her movies and you’ll be fine.
d) Dude, I’m wearing a pink leotard and a blanket poncho for my impromptu library performance. See ya!
DO YOU DECORATE YOUR HOUSE FOR VALENTINE’S DAY?
a) I always do a scale-replica mosaic of The Rokeby Venus using Necco Conversation Candy Hearts on my front door. And then I’ll get fined by the neighborhood association, like I do every year.
b) I want that delayed UPS driver’s head on a pike on my lawn. Happy Valentine’s Day!
c) Yes. It’s covered with Kleenex and wept-on blanket-clothing, but that’s the day after Valentine’s Day. Does that count?
d) One word: Bongos. Where do you put them? Everywhere. (Singing.) I gave my love/ a bushel of bongos./She drummed my head/with her pointy young hands./Oh, why did she go?/Oh, why did she go?/And eat all the tangelos with another young man?
HOW TO TALLY YOUR RESULTS:
Make a printout of this quiz. Ball it up. Put it in a blender with PLENTY of water, and puree. Then count the pieces of paper in the blender. Read the key below to figure out your results!
0-25 PIECES (MOSTLY A’S)— You are a Valentine’s Traditionalist. In a perfect world, you’d have a battalion of concrete reproductions of Michelangelo’s David on your front lawn. Barring that, you should get all the candy hears your little heart desires this year. Go and mosaic in peace, my friend.
26-60 PIECES (MOSTLY B’S)— You are Valentine’s Oblivious . Your personality is entirely constructed out of milk chocolate, and therefore should not be left out in the sun. I know you’re not actually reading this right now, because you’re busy using your chocnoculars out the front window to spot that errant UPS driver. Hey, UPS driver— drop that package and run like hell!
61-90 PIECES (MOSTLY C’S)— You are a True Valentine. Grab your blanket poncho and your Kleenex and go out to the movies this year. You need to be surrounded by other romantic comedy enthusiasts with similar, uh, needs as your own.
91-1000 PIECES (MOSTLY D’S)— You are a Valentine Improvisationalist. (Singing.) My true love tried/to give me fruit. /For Valentine’s Day/For Valentine’s Day/ My true love tried/to give me drums. /For Valentine’s Day/For Valentine’s Day/I burned up his car/and now I date Arnold/who gives me flowers/For Valentine’s Day/For Valentine’s Daaaaaaay!
QUIZZES FOR EVERYBODY!: